You Think You're Bad, Don'tcha?
by KillerLover
Summary: The RED team can't remember the last time they capped the intel, let alone won a match against the BLUs. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and RED decided to call in a certain assassin. Bad Girl/Soldier. Strong language.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

I'm not sure why I ship Soldier/Bad Girl so much. Probably because they're both batshit insane. And it's just so adorably ridiculous. Normally I hate, hate, hate crossovers. Oh well. Also, this is the first time I'm writing het in a while. Hah.

Soldier is from Team Fortress 2, Bad Girl is from No More Heroes—two of my favorite video games.

If you haven't played NMH (and/or NMH2) DO IT! Same goes with TF2. No excuses like "I don't have a wii" or "my 360 red ringed" or "I'm a mac user," maggots!

Also, this is a bit of an AU (obviously?). What I mean is Bad Girl didn't die (oops, spoiler if you haven't played NMH), she managed to survive a beam katana sticking through her chest (hey, Destroyman survived and he was split completely in half).

-Chapter 1-

The RED team couldn't remember the last time they had captured the intelligence let alone spent a match where they could get out of their respawn room for more than five minutes at a time. The Reliable Excavation Demolition company was beginning to get desperate—at that rate BLU would win for sure—and so they decided to do something drastic: calling in an expert.

She went by the name of Bad Girl, she was a perverted killing maniac—an assassin. More importantly, she was a recently disgraced assassin, and more bloodthirsty than ever before. When RED approached her, she readily signed up, made her Gimps pack her belongings and got on the next train, ready to make people pay with their lives.

When she set foot off of the train, Engineer was there to greet her. "Ya sure ya got the right stop, little lady?" he asked in surprise. She was a skinny little thing, without her pink high heels on she most likely would have been as short as him. It's not that Engineer thought girls couldn't fight with the men (though, he did disapprove of the idea of having a lady on the battle field), Bad Girl's appearance had thrown him off. On top of being a petite woman, she was wearing a ruffly, pink a-line dress, cinched at the waist with a large pink ribbon, tied into a bow at the back—it looked like it had been inspired by a baseball uniform—thigh high white socks, with the same pink frilly detailing on them, held up by garters. He was sure that at the right angle someone could look up the poor woman's skirt with how short it was. And with how low cut the top was along with how generously endowed she was in the chest region, he couldn't help but worry she might attract some unwanted attention; especially since their resident Scout was known for being a sex craved little rascal.

Twirling her bat around with a gloved hand, Bad Girl grunted at Engie in acknowledgment. She flipped her thick blonde hair behind her shoulder, walking on as two black pleather clad, masked men—who Engie wasn't quite sure should have left the house looking like they did—stepped down onto the platform, carrying luggage that matched her dress. "Yeah, I'm sure," she stated bluntly, "Come on." Engie looked at the men, debating on whether or not it was best to ask about them.

"Well, the base is just over yonder," he said, motioning in the direction, "Yer stuck here until yer contract runs out. Don't try escapin', you'll jus end up in the respawn room." He refrained from mentioning the details of that one. "The Administrator has cameras just about everywhere, so she'll know," he said, rubbing his head under his helmet, glancing up at the slightly taller woman. Something about her was off putting. He liked to think girls were sweet and nurturing but something about this one just seemed twisted. She nodded, not commenting as she followed Engie, spinning her obviously bloodied bat about with one hand as her Gimps trotted behind them with the luggage as best as they could manage.

"The fuck?" Scout looked up from his bowl of cereal, milk dribbling out of his gaping mouth as he stared at Bad Girl in shock. He barely recovered enough to swallow his cereal thickly as he continued staring at the woman Engie had brought back, the other members of the team sitting around with similar expressions on their faces. After a moment a grin spread across the boy's face as he said, "Yo, Engie, I think you brought back the wrong person. RED said they were hiring an assassin, you brought back some chick." He didn't mind so much that the girl was there, but they had said they were sending someone _helpful_. "Dude, I'm the scout around here," he said when he noticed the bat she started twirling around in one hand as he spoke.

"Son, she is our support," Engie replied calmly, "And she ain't no scout. She's Bad Girl." Scout sputtered at the name, ready to make a witty comment but Soldier suddenly climbed up from his seat, walking over the table to stand in front of Bad girl. There wasn't an even an inch of space between the two, and Engie edged away, not wanting to get caught in the middle of whatever was about to go down.

"Women are not allowed in the military," Soldier practically shouted, spit flying from his mouth.

Bad Girl ran a gloved hand down her face, smearing her already worn dark eyeshadow down her face slightly, only adding to her depraved appearance. "Good thing this isn't the military," she hissed out before bringing her bat to crash into Soldier's helmet, forcing the man onto the ground with one fell swoop. "And don't go thinking that you're better than me just because you're a guy," she said, stepping over the man to stand before the table of onlookers—her new team. The Gimps remained in the doorway, holding her heavy luggage.

Soldier grinned as the woman stepped above him, noting that she wore white underwear. He liked her already; she had spunk. He'd get over her gender if she could prove herself in battle. She was obviously stronger than she looked, managing to knock a well-built man like himself over with one blow.

"I _am_ the assassin RED hired," she said pointedly, "I was ranked second in the UAA."

Scout opened his big mouth, asking, "What the fuck's a UAA?" He suspected it had something to do with unicorns and rainbows.

"I believe it stands for United Assassins Association, no?" Spy asked, the only one who had managed to remain unfazed by Bad Girl's arrival, "But you were beaten by Travis Touchdown." He noted her expression growing darker at the mention of her rival.

"Yeah, somethin' like that," she said, "Technically _he_ gave up, but the UAA still said he won." Bastards.

Scout twirled his spoon around in his fingers, trying to figure out what the hell they were talking about. "You ain't even wearin' red, how're we s'posed ta trust that yer even on our team?" he asked, pointing that spoon accusingly at the woman before him.

She smirked, grabbing his can of bonk. Scout could only sit back in horror as Bad Girl opened the can and drank it all. Before he knew what hit him, Scout was on the ground, legs in the air as he fell off the bench. His head hurt like hell and the crushed can of Bonk! Atomic Punch beside him was obviously the culprit.

"Pink's a light shade of red, fucker," she said, ignoring Spy's comment that red was a dark shade of pink, "Anyone else got anything to say to me?"

Clearing his throat, Medic stood up, "I vill need to examine you, Frau Bad Girl. Engineer vill also need to put you into zhe respawn system."

"Yeah, all right," Bad Girl responded, spinning around, wielding her bat as she struck Soldier again, sending him flying across the room. An amused giggle spewed forth from the girl as she moved over to her Gimps, pausing to turn around: "Give me a thirty minutes, 'kay?" Medic nodded silently, warily returning to his seat. He wasn't too terribly concerned about Soldier's well being; the man _liked _pain. With that, Bad Girl strutted off, having been assigned the tenth bedroom that had been previously unoccupied. She had the Gimps unpack her things as she went to the bathroom to freshen up, fixing her makeup, messing up her hair a bit. She hadn't expected the guys to take too kindly to her arrival, but what did she care? She didn't need their approval. She was there to kill BLUs and to prove herself as a hired killer once again. She was the best.

Not even ten minutes after she had set foot in that room, there was a knock on the door. "Fuck." She grabbed her bat, opening the door to find no one there.

And then there was a rocket launcher aimed directly at her head. "All right, maggot," Soldier said, "First thing's first. The matches start at eight AM _sharp_ and end at exactly five PM. Dawdling is for lily-livered cowards, and I don't like cowards." Bad Girl frowned, not understanding how being slow made someone a coward—but that wouldn't be a problem. "Now show me your weapons, woman," Soldier said, "I need to inspect them."

Bad Girl snorted, trying to keep a straight face as she poked him in the chest with her bat, "This is it."

"What?" Soldier asked, staring at the bat, eyes bulging under his helmet, "You don't have any proper weapons? This is war! This is not a _game_." He watched in surprise as the girl bunny hopped backwards, ready to blow her into some lovely giblets with his rocket launcher as she raised her bat above her head.

"Go... to... hell!" the bat came crashing down as she called out, the force of the blow causing her to produce a guttural grunt. But Soldier was on the ground, helmet rolling away as he stared up at her wide eyed. That was the third time she'd downed him in less than thirty minutes—yeah, he liked this Bad Girl. A deranged smile spread over Soldier's face as Bad Girl crouched over him, giving him a nice view of her panties once more. "You think you're hot stuff," she said, "But that's the third time I've gotten you." She poked him with a gloved finger. "Get over yourself, _Soldier_," she said, "Obviously your team sucks and the shitty weapons you use, those suck too and you need _my_ help or RED wouldn't have called me in. So fuck off." With that she stood back up, raising the bat above her head for a repeat move. A sickening crack was heard when her bat met Soldier's head. Bad Girl smirked, straightening up. "Come on," she said, over her shoulder to the gimps as she wiped a fleck of blood off of her face, Soldier's body disappearing from underneath her legs, "I have a doctor to visit."

-**Author's Note**-

Reviews appreciated! I hope I'm not the only one that fancies this crossover and pairing.

I do not have a beta reader for this story as of yet.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note:**

_fanofmany_: Thanks! I appreciate it :)

_Animed2Fox_: HERE YOU GO!

Sorry it took so long! I've been busy ever since the beginning of May and didn't feel like writing for a good portion of that time too. But I'm back!

-Chapter 2-

Medic twisted his wedding ring about his finger, sighing before starting to fill out a new file for Bad Girl and the two gentlemen she was with. She was just another person he would have to keep an eye out for her on the battlefield, and the woman didn't seem to have any proper weapons, just that bat. It would be worse than following around their suicidal Pyro, honestly. He wasn't looking forward to the next day. Plus, she was a girl. He had a little problem with females there. It was a rough environment and she most likely would just get in the way. He didn't care that she was an assassin. She'd never been in 2Fort before. She wasn't even a butch, beefy woman! She was a string bean that even Heavy wouldn't eat. He ground his teeth in annoyance, straightening the papers.

"Hey, doc," Bad Girl said, walking in with her hand on her hip, the omnipresent bat resting on her shoulder, "You said you wanted to see me." She paused, looking at her gimps. "They're clones…" That certainly sparked Medic's interest.

Motioning towards the chair in front of his desk, Medic cleared his throat. "You may sit down, Frau Bad Girl," he stated briskly, "How old are you?"

"Twenty-three," she said, plopping down in the designated seat, hunching over to watch Medic. He looked like he such an uptight guy. Running her tongue against her teeth, Bad Girl made a mental note to spend a day harassing him just to see what would happen.

Nodding, Medic wrote down the number as he asked, "Place of origin?"

"Santa Destroy, California," she said, shifting about to lean back in the chair, leaving her legs wide open still. She was such a lady.

"Do you smoke?" She nodded. "Drink?" She nodded once more. Medic sighed, writing down the information. "You know zhat is—" he paused, looking at the girl's cold face, "Nevermind. As for zhe gentlemen vhat are zheir names?"

Bad Girl looked back at the Gimps who stood behind her silently. "I don't know, never really thought about it. Gimp 1 and Gimp 2, I guess," she stated apathetically, looking back at Medic who began to fill in their sheets.

"Vhich is vhich," he asked as he looked at the two. Did it make a difference? They were clones, technically they were the same person, right? Physiologically speaking, after all. He was going to have to spend some time researching them, no doubt. A grunt of annoyance was Bad Girl's response. She quickly grabbed a pair of scissors from his desk and dug the blade into the closest one's bare stomach. She drew a long line and then moved to the other, etching out a "2" onto his exposed stomach. "Vell… zhat answers zhat question…" he murmured, writing quickly, "Und how old are zhey?"

"How the hell am I supposed to know?" Bad Girl asked, rolling her eyes. It's not like she was the one who had made the clones.

Sighing, Medic nodded to himself as he wrote a few more notes. "Vell, zhen," he said, standing up, "I need to do a few procedures, weigh you, draw blud, zhat sort of sing." He waved his hands as he spoke before motioning for Bad Girl and the gimps to follow him in order to run a physical on the trio. "You may go now," he said, once he had finished the procedures as he scribbled labels on the various vials. Surprisingly Medic got through the task without a hiccup. Bad Girl was rather compliant with his requests, and her gimps even more so. Still, there was something about the woman that bothered him. That fire in her eyes unsettled him. It was like she had a score to settle and he certainly didn't want to get in her way anytime soon.

"Hmph," she just grunted in reply, picking her bat back up from its position against the wall, strutting out of there like she owned the place with the two gimps following her silently. Perhaps it wasn't her that bothered him the most; it was those gagged, obedient men. She had complete control over them—or was it that they let her be their master. Their unwavering, unquestioning obedience to that woman was just as unnerving as their silence.

Medic shook his head, holding a vial full of blood up to the light. A hooked smile came across his face as he shook the vial, watching the red liquid slosh about. They all bled just the same. That fact alone reassured him. They were just trying to get in his head with their affects, but he was a man of science. He knew better than to fall for such petty tricks—at least, he wouldn't fall for it again, he reassured himself as he set the vial back down. "Zhey vill be interesting test subjects…" he murmured to himself, wheeling the cart to his lab that connected to the medical ward. He felt like a kid in the candy store, someone who found the gold at the end of the rainbow, he'd hit the jackpot. Two cloned men under his care, oh yes, this would be fun. He chuckled to himself as he went back to process the samples he collected.

Outside, Bad Girl had barely taken five steps before Engineer stepped out to greet her. "Well, howdy little lady," he said, taking his helmet off respectfully as he looked up at the taller woman through his goggles, "Ready tah git intah respawn?" He put the helmet back on backwards as usual. "Or did yah need some time tah settle in and what have yew," he asked smiling genially at the woman before him. He had been taught all his life to be a gentleman when a lady was present; though, he wasn't too sure if he would call this blonde haired vixen a lady.

"Yeah, we're good to go," Bad Girl said, giggling as she twirled her bat idly.

Engie nodded, smiling at the woman nervously, saying, "Well, follow me then, missy." He lead the way to the control room, watching the woman walking. It was mesmerizing to say the least. She walked with one hand on her hip, in a manner so intoxicating that he almost forgot she had a bloodied bat in her other hand. Oh she was a thorny with her feminine wiles. He didn't know what to make of her. "How did yah get into the assassernation bid'ness?" he drawled out, quite eager to get some grasp on the woman before him.

But she just chuckled that innocent chuckle of her, only making Engie even more uncomfortable than he already was. What was wrong with this woman? How did she get to be Bad Girl? But he couldn't ask her that, not sure if he could take her reaction to such.

"Well," he said as he entered the control room, holding the door open for the three, "Step on over 'ere and we'll git yah set up."

"It's just a job," Bad Girl said as she followed Engie's directions, setting her hands on the two orange circles as he directed, "But they all deserve it." She looked up at Engie, her light grey eyes haunting him as her body began to glow red from respawn adding her in. A giggle escaped her lips as she watched Engie rub his head under his helmet nervously. Suddenly the electric sensation that had coursed through her body was gone, and the red glow had dissipated as well. There was a quiet beep from the control panel and Engie set to work finishing the task of entering her into respawn, typing and pressing buttons until it was all done—only to repeat the process on the two gimps. "That'll do," he said as he finished processing Gimp 2, "Take care o' yerself tomorrow."

Putting a hand on her hip as she began to exit the room, Bad Girl replied cooly, "Don't worry about me, hardhat." A shiver ran down Engie's spine.

-Author's Note:

Reviews appreciated, once again!

To read any of my comments/thoughts on this story/chapter or any of my other stories feel free to stop by quadruplebypass dot blogspot dot com


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note**:

_thesorrows_: haha. Yes, that is true. Silly No More Heroes…

Wow, um, yeah, it took me a while to update this, sorry. It's bad if you have to reread the last chapter you wrote in a story… The worst part is I mostly got this out because the internet was down and I didn't have it to distract me. I seriously get so much more done when that's not distracting me. OTL

-Chapter 3:

Bad Girl found herself in her room, smoking with a bottle of Demoman's scrumpy that she had snatched from the kitchen. She was alone—well, as alone as she could ever be with two gimps following her about at all times. But they were ever silent and curled up on the floor, fast asleep by that time. In her mind, she was alone, which was all she really wanted.

Those men today... she'd have to tolerate them, but, honestly, Bad Girl preferred working alone. As alone as she could get with her gimps. They were just going to get in her way and that Soldier was the worst of the lot. Only the Spy seemed to have some potential. He actually knew what the UAA was, after all. And the Demoman couldn't have been too bad if his choice of liquor was this good—but she couldn't remember him all that clearly.

Sighing, she took a swig from the bottle of scrumpy, wiping her mouth with a gloved hand afterwards. What would RED say if she was hung over for her first day of work? Surely they wouldn't be _thrilled_, but at the same time she knew she'd get her job done. She was most bloodthirsty when she had a bit of a hangover. It was easy to kill people when you were rather cranky already, right? She chuckled, taking a drag from the cigarette, imagining how the other team would react when they saw her. Surely they'd be surprised to see a woman—her own team hadn't been too keen on the idea. But she'd prove to both teams that she was more fit to be there than any of them. Yeah, that was a good plan.

"Huh?" she asked, looking up as there was a knock on the door, musing her from her thoughts, "Yeah?" She plucked the cigarette from her lips to gulp down another mouthful of scrumpy, eyeing the door.

As the door opened, Bad Girl let out a sigh of relief when it wasn't Soldier: "'Ello." The Spy leaned against the door frame, inspecting the woman on the bed before him: drinking and smoking with only the moonlight to guide her? She was a piece of work.

"Oh, hey," Bad Girl said, offering the bottle of scrumpy to the other man, "Whatcha want?"

Shaking his head, Spy held up a hand, silently refusing the alcohol as he replied, "I zought I would show you around ze base so you won't be lost tomorrow." She'd just be a nuisance if she didn't know what she was doing.

"Yeah, guess you're right," Bad Girl replied thoughtfully, taking another sip of the scrumpy before setting the bottle down on her nightstand and putting out her cigarette. Standing up, Bad Girl smoothed out her dress before setting her hands on her hips and walking over to Spy in that transfixing gait of hers. Spy had to force himself to look away as he stepped out of the doorway. "Lead on," she said as she shutthe door behind them, knowing quite well how her walked tended to turn heads. She'd perfected it to be able to do that. Perhaps it would even distract those BLUs.

"Yes," Spy replied quietly, staring resolutely forward as he lead her through the living quarters and up to where the skirmishes took place on a daily basis. "Ze bases are identical," he stated, "So if you know 'ow ours looks zen you know 'ow zeirs looks." He smiled, quite thankful to whoever designed the bases; it certainly did make his job much easier. And she nodded, taking in the information. "Zis is ze resupply room," he stated, "Zey cannot go into it or our respawn room. But at ze same time, we cannot go into zeir resupply and respawn rooms."

Bad Girl tilted her head, brushing her hair back behind her shoulder, "And you guys follow the rules?"

"It is not a rule. It is impossible for us," he stated, "Except during 'umiliation rounds. Zen ze victor of the round can enter ze ozer team's spawn and resupply rooms to kill ze ozer team while ze are 'elpless…" He shivered, hating humiliation rounds, especially since they had been the ones to be killed while helpless most of the time for the past few months. But not having experienced it herself, Bad Girl just snorted; the rules of this place were strange. "Zere are stairs up to the courtyard on the left," he said, motioning in one direction, "And to ze right is ze way to our intel and ze spiral staircase…"

He continued forward, showing her where the intelligence was placed as before moving on to show her the rest of the 'battlefield,' giving her helpful tips along the way. The battlements were where the Snipers liked to camp, the sewers were good for Spies. The courtyards or intel rooms tended to have a sentry—one always had to be careful about the sentries. He'd learned a long time ago not to underestimate Engineers and their sentry guns, even if he could sap them.

Bad Girl was surprisingly quiet during the tour, taking in the information and trying to memorize it like a map. It was nice, though, that someone was actually treating her like she was supposed to be there rather than staring at her boobs and saying she couldn't do it.

"Thanks, Frenchie," she said as they ended up back in the living quarters, grinning at the man, "At least you're not so bad." She leaned in, giving him a sloppy kiss before entering her room and shutting the door without another word.

Spy stared at the door in shock for a moment before pulling out a new cigarette, lighting up. It was fair to say he hadn't expected that. Shaking his head, he headed back to the rec room, plopping down on the seat beside Soldier who was making battle plans for the day with his set of army men.

"How did it go, Spy?" Soldier asked, moving a toy soldier forward.

Spy shook his head, staring up at the ceiling. "We will know tomorrow…" he stated, glancing at the man, "I do not see why you didn't show 'er around yourself…" Soldier stopped, glaring up at Spy. "I know, you two are not mixing well, but per'aps it would 'ave made 'er like you a little more…" Soldier was still glaring, his teeth clenched. "I don't know, nevermind!" He threw his hands up in defeat and Soldier went back to his battle plans.

-Author's Note:

Reviews appreciated! I hope to not be a lazy fat ass and actually write the next chapter in a more timely fashion.

To read any of my comments/thoughts on this story/chapter or any of my other stories feel free to stop by quadruplebypass dot blogspot dot com


	4. note

**THIS STORY IS ON AN INDEFINITE HIATUS. Sorry.**

Obviously if/when I add a chapter after this one then I'll pick it up again but right now I have no plans on continuing this story.

The problem with writing a story in a fandom is if you lose interest in the game/movie/whatever it's really hard to feel like continuing the story. At least, that's my problem when that happens and I'm not particularly interested in TF2 anymore. My interest has dwindled for months and I just don't feel right not putting this message up any longer.

**Anyone who is/was interested in doing a roleplay with me:** my contact info is on my profile.

Even if you're not interested in rping but just want to talk, feel free to contact me.


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